For the last couple of months, I have been studying more about the church and realised there was so much I did not know. So little I understood and so little that made sense to me. I have been trying to understand things from both believer and non-believer lenses. Grudgingly, I have had to admit to myself that I do not believe in at least 1 quarter of the Church’s teachings.
Why am I writing this?
In my search for truth I found lots of information on why I should stay in the Church and plenty more on why I should leave the church. There seems to be some battle between “Mormons” and “ex Mormons”. However, little is said about those who do not believe yet choose to stay in the church or even those who believe yet choose not to go to church. I feel like there is some kind of shame associated with: a) being a Mormon b) being an ex-Mormon and c) being a non-believing Mormon. Wait, did I just write “non-believing Mormon” that does not exist right? Right! That is my point. There is no such a thing as non-believing Mormon or even non-believing Christian.
Many people do not understand why I do not leave the church if I do not believe in ¼ of the teachings. Why stay? Why be lukewarm when you can be hot or cold? At the same time, many wonder why I cannot believe in 100% of the teachings since I choose to stay. Brothers and sisters, belief is a work of faith. Faith is influenced by the spirit and you cannot force yourself to believe in something if the spirit does not convict you. I also think, what is dangerous is dismissing your doubts, not investigating them and later leaving the church because it becomes too much.
Why do I stay in the church then?
· I believe families can be together forever. This is the main reason why I come back each time I run away from the church. I do not believe the people we meet on earth are temporal people in our existence.
· I believe I made the right decision when I got baptised. At the time, I believed in 100% of the Church’s teachings. Even though things are not the same now I know that I am in the right place.
· I am happier than I was before. Being in the church has given me something I have always longed for: true happiness. Not the one where you pretend to be happy. Not the one that leaves after a few minutes/hours or days. True happiness that is fulfilling. Knowing that come what may, I will still have joy in my heart.
· I believe God put me in the church for a reason. I do not believe in coincidences. I do not think meeting the missionaries was a coincidence or anything of that nature. I know that in due time God’s purpose for me will be revealed.
· After being in the Church, going to different churches is not fulfilling anymore. Having said that, I still struggle to go to the LDS church because I feel out of place sometimes.
· I love how the church places importance on service for others.
The reason why I am writing this blog is to tell others who are going through a similar situation that, you are not alone. Regardless of the decisions or mistakes you have made, God loves you. God’s arms are wide open, waiting for you to come back to him. Even though doctrine is important, do not let it come between your relationship with God. Understanding church doctrine takes time. Understanding God on the other hand is slightly simpler. All we must do is look at the world as it is, look at nature…. look at the beauty of creatures. Everything points to a God that is caring. Ultimately, what keeps us going is God’s loves for us. Take a moment and share God’s love with others.
