So recently I have been struggling. Like strugoooling. I was going to write about repentance and faith but yeah.
For the last week or so, I have been floating spiritually. I do not even know where to start. Firstly, for some reason, I do not feel like going to church. Well not that I do not feel like going to church but just I feel strange when I am at church. Like my brain starts floating. Like I am physically present but my mind is far away. This all started a couple days ago when I realised I was missing my old church.
I really miss going to church on Saturday. Many of you may be wondering why. Well let me tell you. When I first joined the church, I kept going to my old church because I did not see anything wrong with that. I would go to Church on Saturday then on Sunday. Honestly, it’s only been in the last 6 weeks or so that I stopped going to church on Saturday. It doesn’t feel right though. One of the any issues I have with our LDS church is sabbath keeping. I thoroughly believe the sabbath is the Jewish sabbath = Saturday. This makes it very difficult for me to go to church on Sunday. Initially I thought I could worship God on a Sunday and keep the sabbath holy on Saturday. But that is proving difficult because I end up not keeping the sabbath holy and it feels alien trying to do it on Sunday.
The reason why I do not want to keep a Sunday Holy is because I believe Saturday is Gods true Sabbath. I know that prophet Joseph Smith did go into this. However, that is a topic for some other day.
These last few days have been hard. I have come to realise even though I consider myself closer to Mormon than Adventist, I am not a fully-fledged Mormon. Like I run away from any Church responsibilities and I try to be neutral when I am speaking with investigators. I do love the church but, I have not yet come around to engaging with people. Each time I make some effort to become a better member of the LDS church, I am always drawn back by: doubt, fear, stubbornness etc. his makes me think I am a fraud. Basically, I am not Mormon, I am not Adventist. I think I am something in between the two.
I hope God allows me to progress as I should. With regards to the BOM challenge, I gave up on day 3 or something like that. I will keep challenging myself until I read it all.
Thank you for reading. 😊
