I decided to write this blog because I have been triggered.
So before coming to China my views on relationships and dating were pretty fragmented. Even though I am a Christian and believe families can be together forever, my views on men were not so good. My dating record was not good either – one heartbreak after another. I noticed a repetitive pattern: I like someone, they like me, we start talking stat liking each other more then, something bad happens. For example, they cheat, they lie and so on. I kept asking myself why do I keep attracting people like that? Or rather, why am I attracted to people like that?
When I came to China I decided I would stop worrying about finding someone for life. I would just find a someone and have a baby with them. If the person chooses to stay WIN, if they choose to leave still a WIN right? Wrong. I did find someone I thought I could be with. I told myself, even if that person decided to leave, I would not be sad because I’ll have a baby (immature I know). Something interesting happened though. Before we reached the stage of having a baby, that cycle that I thought I escaped started again. And just like the wind, he was gone.
It’s taken me a couple of days to understand how I feel about the situation. At first I was like it’s okay. Then, I started to feel sad we didn’t have a child together. But now, I am grateful that didn’t happen. I have come to realise it doesn’t matter where you go, your problems will always follow you. And as long as they are not resolved, they will continue to trouble you. I am grateful that God allowed this to happen because I was not ready. How could I have thought about bringing a child into the world when I was not prepared emotionally, spiritually or even financially?
One thing that stands out to me is, when this person was removed from my life, I felt vulnerable. I never thought I would. I thought letting go would be easy because I was expecting some kind of separation. Once again I was wrong. I was wrong because I did not consider the bond we had. When you have a bond with someone, that bond does not get broken the moment you stop talking or when you are hurt. It is stretched and stretched until it stops bouncing back.
Because of this experience, I now know my standards. I am not interested in a sperm donor. I want someone to be with forever. Is forever possible? I know I am very young to be asking questions like this but, I need to ask. Some people get married young and stay together forever. Some people get married later on in life and stay together. Other times however, people get married and it doesn’t work out. Is forever possible? If so how?
Edit: Sometimes things don't work out because it wasn't meant to be. Not because the person is bad or anything like that.
Sorry it’s been a while. And sorry I am not going to proofread this post. Have a blessed day!
